goals

1. at least 1000 calories. No 900, at least 1000. It's already a challenge, but not yet the healthiest amount.
2. stop being so anxious about my body or the food I've eaten. maybe it'll lessen the guilt
3. after I'm comfortable with the food I'm eating, try numberless meals. it's gonna be tough not tracking those damn numbers
4. be comfortable with being healthy once I get my period back. getting it back means I'm a step closer to health, recovery.
5. huge challenge, but start eating homecookeed Chinese food again. I'll fight. It'll be hard. It'll show normalness.
<3

anti binge diary 01

just ate 1/2 peach, kiwi, bread with turkey
want moar bread with turkey.
im feeling
bored and sad.
i probably wont have the chance to go out with my friends tomorrow. sadsadsad.
im craving those carbs. can i make it until dinner? :|
i dont think so. ughh. i know im gonna get some more once i finish typing this.

emaciation

i can remember the days when i would look at a mirror, and see somebody else standing before me.
i didn't believe it was me. I couldn't believe how sick i was. that just wasn't me
I couldn't find myself in my reflection.
My exact thoughts were "I really do look anorexic now. Maybe now I'm beautiful"